We never know why the path we are going down may have issues, complications or sadness. We ask ourselves why, but with no prevail, only the faith that we will learn, move on and grow from our period of weakness. We can only have faith in our Heavenly Father and Jesus that they will carry us through our rough time and some day explain the reason for the pain we had to go through.
Jeremy and I have had our issues, complications and sadness. Having now been married for 13 years, we never would have thought our path would have so many highs and lows and yet we are stronger for our path that we have had to endure.
Most of you who will read this will know our story and some may not, so I apologize now if I am remembering the past, but I feel as though the partial ending would not fit if the beginning was mentioned.
Two year after Jeremy and I were married we decided to start a family. I stopped taking my birth control and knowing that as long as I can remember my periods were sporadic. I started seeing my OB on a regular basis to try and see what could be done. After medication and medication nothing seemed to work. My OB had be go to a specialist up at the University of Utah and after talking with him I felt as though he only wanted to see how much we were willing to pay. He explained to me that I had to loose weight and that was the reason for my sporadic periods. After seeing him for about a year we were still in the same boat as we had been.
Jeremy and I had talked about adoption, and at that time I just didn't know if I could LOVE someone else's child. It wasn't until my friend had her baby and hold that little precious infant in my arms I knew I could call any little child mine if the mother was willing to let me do so. In the beginning of 2006 we submitted our adoption papers and I knew that we would have an adopted child first then would have our biological children.
Having to fill out anything and everything about yourself, you really have to scrape any and all shyness from yourself to let other people really get to know you so that they will choose you. As we were in the process of getting our approval a neighbor of ours was working with a girl who had delivered her baby early and he was still in the hospital. She didn't want to the a mother and she just didn't know what to do. Our neighbor put us in tough with this young mother and we started to work out things through LDS Family Services to try and adopt this little baby. The father finally came out of the shadows and declared that he wanted to be the father and that she was not going to put this baby up for adoption. We contacted our adoption agency and they explained that there was really nothing he could do as he was never there throughout the pregnancy (as he knew about it), wasn't there for the birth and never showed after the baby was born. Jeremy tried to talk to the "father" and he mainly ranted on that he was going to get an attorney and fight us. We tried talking to the "mother" and in the end she wanted the permission of the "father" to place her baby for adoption. We never heard from the mother, father or anything about the baby again.
In the fall of 2006, we moved into a new house, and since we had money left over I decided to go to nail school. As we were starting to take clients on the floor, one Saturday was going to be different. I was doing this lady's nails and as we were talking she asked if I had any children. I told her no, but that we were actually trying to adopt. From there the conversation then turned to her sister (who she had guardianship of) and she proceeded to tell me that her sister was pregnant and her sister wanted my nail lady to adopt her baby. My nail lady explained to me that she had MS, had children of her own and didn't know if she could take care of this newborn. She had turned to her church advisers and they told her to pray about it and luck would have it here we were meeting and finding a solution for this little newborn. We contacted our agency and they had to contact there lawyers to see how it would all work out.
She came to me a few more times after that and it was mentioned that they were going to try and induce her before Thanksgiving. A few weeks before Thanksgiving I got a call from my nail lady explaining to me that her sister was in the hospital and in labor. She had been in labor all day, being monitored and they were just waiting for the baby to come. We decided to have some friends over that night and as we started to dive into our dinner, we get a phone call. It ends up being my nail lady and she is so heart broken that immediately I know something is not right. She ends up telling me that they baby didn't make it. She weighed in at I think around 3lbs and the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck.
Heartache and sadness over took me. I had to take a break from nail school. I finally graduated from nail school in Feb 2007 and had moved on, knowing that someday we would become parents.
While my Sister-In-Law was on her mission she met these people in Texas that took in children t help them get back on their feet and some of the children turned into adoptions. We were contacted by this lady and she began to tell us that they had this six month old little boy. The mom was trying to hide him as he was the son of a man who was in the Mexican cartel in Texas. She explained to us that Texas law was tricky, especially if the father hasn't signed his rights. So she continued to explain that she took in this little boy when he was about a month old. He was malnourished, abused, was fed water and the mother and the older children thought it was funny to pinch him to make him cry. The lady had gotten him up to where he needed to be, but wanted to find a good home for him. So through the process of trying to figure out what we needed to do, the "mother" came by the house, grabbed the baby and her other children and left Texas hoping to get as far away from the baby's father as possible.
Finally in 2009 we were chosen to adopt a baby. The mother was a member of where I worked and I somewhat knew her. Our hopes and dreams were right in front of us, but somehow put at bay for just in case it didn't work out.
In May of 2009 we brought home our little baby boy. Everything went perfectly and after holding that precious baby in my arms I knew he was mine and that we were needing to wait a very long time for him. Not very long after we found out that we were pregnant. Excited, scared, and how did this happen was all we could really think about. In January of 2010 we brought home our little baby girl.
How you can go from so many hardships to being blessed by two little spirits. As hard as it was raising somewhat twins but in different stages, I continued to work as Jeremy quit his job and tried to find something that would be opposite schedule of me. For two years we worked opposite of each other, never the less we were so blessed for the little family that I had always dreamed about.
Finally fall of 2012, we were trying to figure out how I could stay at home, due to Jeremy being tired of where he was working. After staying in contact with a few old coworkers he walked on to his job, which then allowed me to stay at home.
Jeremy and I decided that maybe there was another little spirit out there waiting to join our family. So in January of 2013 we decided to have my IUD removed. My period came right away the end of January and by February we were pregnancy. Excitement, scared, nervousness all came over me at once. How was I going to go from two little children to balancing three. In March I called my doctor to schedule an appointment to meet our new little one. She wasn't able to get me in until April 24th which would put me at 12 weeks, so the waiting began. Waiting, becoming anxious, and seeing all my friends around me pregnant or having their babies, started getting me really excited for this little addition.
April 24th came and in a blur it was all over. I met my new doctor for the first time and she was so nice and excited for me. We tried to do an ultrasound and nothing so she had me go down to the ultrasound tech. After looking around we needed to do a vaginal ultrasound. We finally found the baby. The baby was measured at eight weeks with no heartbeat. Sadness, disbelief, confusion, trying to be strong, but my heart aching in the background. How could this have happened? The tech took me back to my doctors office and in a patient room I waited. So I called Jeremy, then my mom and then decided to send an email to the family and friends that we had shared the news with.
"As excited as we were to add a new little life to our family, today we found out that our little baby didn't make it. Our baby was eight weeks with no heartbeat.
We wanted to let you all know. We are doing well and we love you all. THank you for the support all of you have shown and will show.
We can never understand why these things happen, but remember that these precious lives are with our Heavenly Father and we are so excited to meet that little baby some day
Love You All,
Jeremy, Larkyn, Jack and Abigail"
As I write this story to share I came upon an article from the LDS.org website called, Easing the Pain of Miscarriage, written by Summer Thorp. In this article it reads:
"When I learned that a friend in a distant state had had a miscarriage, I offered a silent prayer as I stared at my computer screen, searching for words of comfort to offer. The only phrase that came to my mind was: “I cried for you today.” I typed those words and sent them in an e-mail, with another silent prayer that I had done the right thing. Although I was unsure about my actions, my friend later told me she had felt touched by my message.
Although statistics on the frequency of miscarriage vary widely, most indicate that miscarriage is fairly common. Yet that fact does not lessen the pain of those who experience this trial.
Six steps are mentioned:
Respect Other's Privacy
Don't Minimize the Loss
Recognize that Both Parents Experience Loss
Support In Simple Ways
The Savior's Example,
The Savior provided the perfect example of how to respond to the pain and mourning of a loved one. After Lazarus’s death, Christ traveled to Bethany to be with Martha and Mary. To Martha He offered His testimony of life after death and asked her to reaffirm her testimony. When Mary expressed her grief over the loss of her brother, the scriptures simply state, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).
The simplest acts can mean the most as a husband and wife come to terms with the loss of their baby. As we seek to follow the Savior’s example, we can help ease the pain of those we love."
Although when I think of that little baby, my heart aches, and I know that we will meet that little precious baby someday. I know the baby is being looked over by friends and family who are on the other side. I am so thankful for the gospil, for the priesthood and for the fact that families can be together for ever. I am so thankful for my husband and for him putting up with me and my craziness. I am thankful for my two precious little babes that al though it took eight years they both were worth the wait.
I hope in some way if you are reading this, that this might help your pain as writing it out and sharing has helped mine. I am so thankful for what I have learned, even if it has taken me through a Sadness that is Unknown.
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